Monday, December 15, 2008

Whirlwind of a Day....

A day I will not forget but wish I might~

Let me say right from the start that “this” me writing here on this blog initially was to promote my jewelry on Etsy. Now however, this is my therapy. I don’t care if it is read or responded to-I just need to get it out. This is my survival. I have always come back to writing for my survival during hard times.

What I share here is from the depths of my soul-it is my truth-and I don’t mind sharing it because if in doing so it touches another soul, or helps another person, then I am at peace. I am content and feel good about what I am having to go through.

Today was the first radiation appointment for my Dad. Diagnosed with lung cancer on Friday-squeezed in to the Radiation place on Mon-this is some serious shit we are dealing with. The plan of attack: 10 straight days of radiation excluding weekends and holidays. Keep taking the heavy duty Steroid for the metacisiced tumors (plural) in his brain. Then chemo for his lung cancer that is indeed in the lymph nodes in the lungs.

Now I am very much a realist. I have had to deal with loss and death in my life too early with my Mom-suddenly. This prognosis with my Dad is not good. But I can deal with that. You know, it is what it is-what can we do now? Get mad and angry for what “Is”? Or do we get over or own EGO and think about what the next few months, years will hold for my father? I chose the latter.

That is where I come from. That is where I am at. That is what my instincts tell me. Does it suck? Yes! Do I need this in my life right now? No! Will I be there for my Dad? The Dad who wasn’t there for 17 years of my life? 17 years I didn’t ask for? I had no control of? HELL YES! I will be there as much as I possibly can!

Do you know why? Because he is a good man-And people make mistakes but then sometimes they have a chance to make it right and my Father has made it right. He deserves my Forgiveness for not being around for the forst part of my life~which he has-and now it is time to take care of business.
The business I refer to is the remainder of his life. He deserves peace and harmony and unconditional love. He deserves quality care and the best nurses and doctors. He deserves to have someone looking out for his best interest; his wishes, what he would want.
I am going to make it my mission that he gets this. Unfortunately I am feeling like I am battling other people in his life, a brother whom I barely know and an ex sister in-law. I can’t even believe that this is even an issue. Yet I have always had a sneaking suspicion it might come to this.
I state this now, on my Mothers grave, I want what would be my Fathers wishes before his diagnosis. Before is mind got foggy. Who would he want to take care of him? Who would he want to handle his finances and things? This is all I want for him.
I had a brief moment of Hope tonight that He was coming back a bit. I called him and when we said Goodbye he said “Catch Ya Later” which he has not said in any of our conversations in the last week or so. He also initiated an “I love you”. Which he hasn’t really done.
If I could have 10 minutes of CLARITY from him to ask him these hard questions that would be amazing! I want whatever he would want!!! His care in best interest is my MAIN concern! And I question if these other people have his best interest at heart. Which sucks really-so petty and disgusting.

I guess another lesson to learn right?

I will go to bed tonight, praying for the wisdom and peace of mind to make the right decisions on how to handle all of this bullshit I am dealing with. If you are reading this-please send your positive energy my way. I believe whole heartedly that it will help.

Another tough day tomorrow for this kid-root canal in the am! Then calling lawyers and social workers and checking in with my Dad and his nurses and oh ya, and it is Christmas and I haven’t finished all that!!!!

Final thoughts for the night:

“Attitude is everything, so you might as well pick a good one!”



Friday, December 12, 2008

A Day Of Emotion

I write tonight with only one thing in mind~ I need a place to get this all out~ forgive me for my lack when it comes to "good writing" this probably won't be it. Funny how "real" life tends to bring us into the depths of emotion-real hard, not pretty emotion. Ya so that is where I am at today.
I was 17 when I met my father. I grew up with a devoted, loving Mother who had a bit of a problem with alcohol and who was later diagnosed with Bi polar disorder. My childhood wasn't picture perfect. But as an adult I have come to appreciate the hard times and lessons I learned. People, parents, do what they know how to do, and when they know better, they do better.
So I "found" my Dad by going through my Mothers papers during one of her stays at AMHI. He was contacted through The State and given the opportuntity to let me into his life. He could have said No, but he didn't. He and I met and his wife (my stepmother Faith)We went to Jade Fountain here in Auburn. A cheesy chinese restaurant. I barely remember the night now-because I was on such a high! Long story short, from that day on he has been in my life. It hasn't been perfect but what in life is? But he has been PRESENT when he could have chosen not to be. His wife was a huge part of that I am certain, she was the one to remember my birthday and christmas I knowthis for sure! Sadly, a year ago this past September she died at age 64 from a massive stroke. That being said my Dad has been on his own. But he has perservered and made new friends and gotten on with his life! It was a sad story turned into real life and moving on...

I talked to my Dad on the 26th of Nov, the day after my birthday, that he forgot. Not a problem! I am totally ok with that! Remebmer he had a wife to remember those little things? Oh ya you should probably know he lives an hour away from me! He seemed weird during that conversation. He was distant and vague, disconncected...I thought he was depressed.
So I called him on it and he said NO I am not depressed! ok i say. But with in a couple of days I called again and left a message and got no return call again and again. So I contacted someone down there where he lives who assured me he was fine. Finally on Sun night I reached him and gave him Hell for not getting back to me! Like I am talking bawling him out! saying things about the loss of my Mom and not needing that to happen again!!!

Fast forward 5 days later-TODAY. I am shopping and I get a call from John that someone is trying to reach me, my brother's girlfriend-left a number and I need to call her. I do.

Now I hate, really hate these kind of calls when you know it is going to be something bad. I will never forget "THE CALL" regarding my Mother when she passed away. You never do-it sucks-and I knew that this such call would suck-sitting in the shoe department at TJ Maxx my half brother informed me that my Father is in the hospital and has lung and brain cancer. This ofcourse is an unofficial diagnosis but pretty much going to be the Truth.

SLAM! BANG!First thoughts? I fucking knew it! I knew something wasn't right! I had a feeling, like with Amy-I knew it(Amy,my best friend who now currently going through breast cancer. I had a weird feeling about that too) Second thought? I can't believe I am 38 yrs old and have to lose another parent. A parent I have only knows for 21 years. Then.....I got my EGO out of the way and realized I have to go there~I must go see him.

So I do. What a revelation. I can't really even begin t0 describe my afternoon. It is so fresh and on the surface-I am still digesting all of this. But I will say this-my relationship with my Father hasn't been easy, so much time inbetween us getting to know each other....but today I felt the strongest love for him that I have EVER felt!!! Like I was charged with some sort of energy that will get us through this battle that we are going to have to face~but we will do it together~

Now I know Life isn't permanent-regardless of any diagnosis. But my Dad's change in behavior (due to the "cancer" in his brain) has made this all so very interesting. No, not interesting, sucky to say the least, he is lost, going, not himself, he can't carry a converstion without forgetting what he is talking about,it is scary, and sad. I am scared. But as much as I am scared I am a Warrior and I will be there for him-I can't imagine not being!

This is what life is all about. Do you stand or do you run in the face of hardship, a challenge, a diagnosis?

I used to run~now I shall stand~ I will stand tall and face this~ and I will be a better person for it~ gauranteed.