Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Friday, December 4, 2009

My loves-Molly who just turned 7 and Izzi...oh my counter top surfing, trash eating, underwear, eating love bug puppy who was 9 months on Dec 8th. It is a good thing she is so cute and lovable because I tell you......
She is a Puppy-she does what puppies do-like tonight-she ate all of the Papa Johns breadsticks in 3 seconds flat!
I am working on getting Live Writer up and running-otherwise I would have been posting more. For some reason it works but not for pictures and what fun is that! I am really anxious to share more with you all with some fancy frames etc but for now this will have to do! I meet with my (PAID) computer guy on Monday I hope to get this figured out! ( I said PAID because I and a friend-we all know-have tried everything but no luck! So now I am willing to dish out some cash to get me on track!
I think I may have sold the Lobster Boat (My Dad's- given to me when he died-long story....) and federal permit. I'm not going to count my chickens just yet but it is looking promising. A weight off my shoulders for sure! another headache in the long run-chasing money from my estranged Bro but if he doesn't pay-well then I guess I own a house too. (I pray it will never have to come to that though)
Please keep reading-I promise I will get more exciting! Right now I am just trying to "learn" myself in photography and Photoshop!And to top that all off Blogging all over again!!!!! As well as trying to run a household and my husband's business. Exercise, which used to be pretty important to me-has gone right out the window for now-got to change that on Monday;)
Stick with me-I promise I won't let you down!!!
Have a great weekend everyone!

Saturday, November 14, 2009


I heard this saying a few years ago from my favorite Spiritual Teacher-Wayne Dyer.

FEAR-False Evidence Appearing Real

I used to have that written down in my little notebook when I waited tables at this new high class restaurant here in my town. It was very overwhelming to me at first because I felt like I didn’t know all about this fancy menu with all these fancy “paints” and menu items. My first reaction was, “I cannot do this!” Now I knew how to wait tables but I didn’t know how to talk about fancy Sashimi and  Herb Encrusted Salmon.

So I put this saying in my little book that I took orders in. It helped tremendously-when I got scared or felt like I was going to totally screw up I read that and then thought, “I can do this”.

Did that little saying totally make me flawless and THE best server ever? Well, NO, not even close. But it helped me push past “the Fear” of the unknown until I indeed KNEW it and could approach a table with confidence and knowledge. The saying “Fake It, till you make it goes a long way.”

I did indeed become a great Server at this Great Restaurant for a couple of years.And the times when I was put on the spot with a question I could not answer? Well, honestly and a smile go a long way too!

Which brings me to here and now at this time in my life.

FEAR-I am afraid to try something new. I am afraid that I don’t know enough yet. I am afraid I won’t have all the right answers. I am afraid people will think I suck. I am afraid I will screw up. I am afraid…

You get the idea-I could go on and on about My Fears~

So I have decided to adopt that saying again into my brain regarding My photography. I want to become FEARLESS!

And it all starts in MY BRAIN!


Will it Work?

All righty then…. Let’s see if I can add a picture from Live Writer…


Cause the Morgan NEVER takes a bad picture!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Photo Blog Post

I really wish I could get Live Writer to work properly on my computer-but no such luck! But I am so excited to post some photos I have taken lately-I still have soooo much to learn but I feel really confident that I can learn it. As I work with my pictures and my camera I am slowly re awakening a passion I have had for so many years that I forgot about-Stealing Moments In Time-Pictures-Picture Taking. I find myself looking at everyday life through a lens. If you have any interest in photography, you know what I mean. The sun, the light, the rain, the fog, the trees, the expression on someones face-all leads my mind to think-"take a picture" or "this would be a good picture." It brings on a whole new perspective to life-my life-I like it. I want to know it all and everything all right now!!!! I am impatient, and I get frustrated when i know I could do better! I have so many books going at one time and so many websites saved....it is crazy. I need to be patient-take it slow-I am trying:)

I really wish I could get Live Writer to work properly on my computer-but no such luck! But I am so excited to post some photos I have taken lately-I still have soooo much to learn but I feel really confident that I can learn it. As I work with my pictures and my camera I am slowly re awakening a passion I have had for so many years that I forgot about-Stealing Moments In Time-Pictures-Picture Taking. I find myself looking at everyday life through a lens. If you have any interest in photography, you know what I mean. The sun, the light, the rain, the fog, the trees, the expression on someones face-all leads my mind to think-"take a picture" or "this would be a good picture." It brings on a whole new perspective to life-my life-I like it. I want to know it all and everything all right now!!!! I am impatient, and I get frustrated when i know I could do better! I have so many books going at one time and so many websites saved....it is crazy. I need to be patient-take it slow-I am trying:)
screw it-I am publishing this post knowing I it is screwed up and I have double paragraph! If I wait till I fugure out what I am doing wring-it will never get published!!!!
Please comment and give me advice!!!


Friday, November 6, 2009

Who Am I And What Am into and Up to these days...

First off-Thank you Astaryth for putting me as an entry in your world famous blog! I got a few readers because of it and realize that they must really trust you and your opinion because they started to follow me based on a real downer of an first entry of sorts after being away! Thank you new followers:) Also let me apologize for having no clue to make my pics go where I want them in blogger-still waiting to get LiveWriter to work correctly! So forgive me if these pics are EVERYWHERE they are not supposed to be! UGH!

I wanted to jump right into my blog again but I got rather sick and had no motivation. I am better now! Yea!
I want to blog again because I want to connect again with old friends and make some new ones AND most importantly I want to share my pictures with everyone and learn learn learn how to take better pictures! I also enjoy writing and sharing my life with others:)
I have seen some amazing photographers here in "blogging" land so I thought what better place to share my photos and get help and advice from all of the wonderful people in this blogging community!
But first I just wanted to share a few pics of mine so you can get to know me! Now remember I am no professional and have LOTS to learn and only got my camera and lenses in July! But I have ALWAYS had a passion for picture taking just never the wallet to buy a good digital SLR. Through a series of unfortunate events (my step Mom passing and 18 mo later my Dad) I now have a Nikon D 80 and two lenses (Sigma 17mm-70mm 1:2.8-4.5 and a Sigma 70mm-200mm 1:2.8 ) About 15 years ago hubby bought me a Pentax K 1000 so I used that through the years but never really understood what I was doing with Fstops and apertures! If I got a good picture it was surely by chance!!!

Now I have a digital camera and find myself loving photography again with even more passion! I love digital photography because I can take and take pictures and even if they don't come out good I can fix em up later on my computer! But-I want to be better at taking them and understanding why they came out good or bad so I don't need to fix them later in the photo shop elements program I don't know how to use very well;)

First, we are a MotoX family! Every weekend May through Sept we go to the track and my 12 year old and 10 year old son race. So I have lots of opportunities to take action shots! (Hence the zoom lense)
Then up there somewhere you will see Ben, my oldest in the tree and Jack my youngest on the beach! I love this photo! We call in "The Hoff" because he looks like David Hasslehoff running on the beach in Bay watch! LOL Then the Mill Fire we had here this past summer. Just random but a great chance to shoot a burning building! Sadly, it was set and one of my areas many old mills lost.
Tomorrow I will be doing my own amateur photo shoot with my family. I need lots of practice on portrait photography and it is going to be a nice warm day here in Maine. So if anyone has some advice PLEASE advise me! I am open and ready to receive all of your infinite wisdom!!!!! Including how to make my pictures go where I want them in Blogger!!!! lol
Have a great day everyone!!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

test through blogger

My youngest son as Road Kill Kermit!

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Reason For My Absence

Sadly, I was going to write in my blog on Friday, and was too busy. Then again on Sat, Halloween-of course too busy. Then yesterday-HA! Yesterday I was sick again! (I had been sick since Tues but felt better by Sat) Well, the Gods had something else in mind for me yesterday-totally utterly exhaustion and aches and pains and bodily “brokenness”. I just wasn’t me-I wasn’t good-not at all.

I slept last night in a haze of Nquil for 9 1/2 hours. My dreams were lucid and at times frightening-the culmination of a years worth of stress and loss and anger all rolled up into one night-one clear vivid dream…which has left me feeling a bit empty and sad this morning. We will get back to that.

If you have been a follower of my blog you will know that my Father who I had known for 21 years was diagnosed with Stage IV non small cell lung cancer on December 12th, 2008. At this time my best friend Amy was undergoing chemotherapy for her breast cancer, and I got a puppy May 1st.

What you may not know is my Dad lost is fight to cancer on May 29th, 2009 and my friend Amy’s husband died suddenly  June 29th of a heart attack leaving behind a wife and 17 year old daughter. My cute little puppy has grown into a BIG pain in the butt! (But she is a doll and I love her dearly and she has brought much laughter and joy into our family during a really tough and not so fun time!)

Let me first talk about losing someone you love under normal circumstances; I know about this too-my Mother died in 99 suddenly (so not so normal but that is my life I guess) When someone dies it sucks-let’s face it! At first you can’t believe it, and wake up thinking it was a bad dream until you do that enough times and realize again and again it isn’t a dream-it is real and this is your new reality. You miss them-you want them back-you bargain with God-it doesn’t work. So you accept what has happened and try to move on from there. and hopefully with time things get easier and you miss them less and less and hopefully come to a realization that they are never really far-only a thought away…

So what happens when you lose someone under “not so normal circumstances”? (though that is a relative term I know)

If you remember in my blog the entry about learning of my Fathers cancer I was desperate to protect him because at the time his brain was filled with tumors and his personality had changed dramatically to three word sentences. Well, I could not have been more right about wanting to protect him-unfortunately, my worst fears came true. Instinct is a very powerful tool and has served me well and I have learned through this experience to trust it even more.

My Father was living in his home with my half brother J and his ex wife R. (yes I said ex wife) They were there to keep an eye on him for the duration of the time he had left.

My father decided to NOT to chemo because he wanted “Quality” instead of “Quantity” of life. I think it was the best choice for him too. Upon taking some heavy steroids he was able to get back his brain function and most importantly his personality! He lives 45 min away so every week  would go down to see him and we would go to doctors appointments and always lunch! I think probably those  5 1/2 months were the best my Father and I ever had! Getting cancer at 65 sucked for sure knowing the eventually result-but it was also a gift for he and I because we realized-I realized time was running out and we better share as much time as possible now. He had already been absent for 17 of my 38 years!

I had my reservations about him being in the care of R and J. So different from me. The whole coastal Maine life style was so unlike my “small city” upbringing but it was the best we could do and where my Dad wanted to be. For the most part it went ok. I think R did what she could to fix his food although she was a lousy a cook my Father said.

My brother and I have never been close and I really have never considered him my brother (even less now). Quite frankly, he is a loser and a blood sucker and my father has bailed his ass out of trouble more times than I care to even knew! And his ex-wife?Haaa-let’s just say she has had her share of trouble with the law- forgery and drugs to name a few. Can you say Oxycotin addict? anyway, so my fears were real but I tried to be “okay” with them and hoped for the best.

I was The Power of Attorney for my Dad-getting that in place quickly while my brother was gone for 10 days off shore fishing. Thank Goodness for that! But my Dad was doing well and getting things organized and in order-paying his own bills etc. So I let him-it was tough-that was the only thing he had left to do for himself really and who was I to take it away? Well, I wish I would have!

My Dad was doing pretty good. In April I felt like he was getting a little cloudy again and he started with the 3 word sentences. The tumors were definitely getting bigger. He tried to play poker with his buddies one last time and it was awful-he couldn’t see the cards and didn’t know what he was doing half the time. but they let him win:)

In the start of May he started having trouble with his legs-sitting too much and all the various meds he was on. I definitely couldn’t deny he was failing.

On May 17th or so I looked online and saw a check written out of his account for $500.00. I asked him about it-he had no clue what I was talking about. He had NOT written the check. The next day I went to his house and commandeered the check book and began my research and calling  the bank.

My fears came true- R had written over $4000.00 out of his account and signed her name. I had numerous copies of the forged checks.

As thieves and forgers' go she is probably one of the best. Within minutes of my questioning her she was knelt down in front of my rather confused father saying things like: “Remember Dad, remember you said I could borrow that money?” Oh i could go on and on on how this story went-the lies so thick and twisted but quite honestly  it is making me sick speaking of it because ultimately what it came down to was letting her and my brother get away with it so we could have peace in the family for his sake.

12 days later he died. I know in my heart of hearts that if that wouldn’t have happened he would have had more time. But it did happen-and he didn’t.

Between his death and the 29th of June a lot went down. My brother was thought to be the Executor of the Will (he would then be in charge and with power of what little money my father had) Thank God he wasn’t and I was! One small victory. Once my fathers mind got clear he changed all that in his will. As well as giving me a boat instead of J who was getting his house.)

My brother who was not happy about how this all went down proceeded to steal everything off of my fathers-now my boat. With the help of lawyers we managed to get most of it back.

Now through all of this-I maintained strength and integrity and a positive attitude. Only one time did I lose my cool with the slimy little R and told her what I really thought of her. (that felt good-but I quickly went back to playing the Game of Survivor where you out wit, and out play all for the sake of one man and one woman who used to be his protector from J. Sadly his wife died 18 months before from a massive stroke.

I’m not making this shit up I swear! Even the writers of Desperate Housewives couldn’t  come up with this!

Amy- lives 3000 miles away from me-just finished her radiation therapy, just starting to feel good-husband of 17 years dies of a heart attack in their home. You want to talk about feeling helpless back here in Maine and feeling like my heart couldn’t break anymore! I wanted to go there to be with her but I  had so much going on here with the lawyers and the stupid boat and my own family I just couldn’t. I still feel guilty for that-she is one strong woman and has friends out there to support her. Happily next year she will be moving back to Maine after 13 years of being away. I couldn't be more proud of Amy on her journey. She is a true example of strength and fearlessness.

I use to write through my crisis. Lord knows I have had many in my life with my alcoholic/bi-polar mother. But as I have gotten older and become a wife and mother-I just don’t have the time and quite frankly, when I was dealing with “it all” with my Dad-I think it would have made it too real. I think a part of me was just on auto pilot and getting though it week by week.

I have a very positive outlook on life and I am grateful for all that is put in my path-the hard times the sad times-the times you think you might break and you don't’.

For me it is usually after the crisis has gone by that I “break”. I get through it-I command some greater power from within and I rally and I make it-I climb the mountain and sit on top and say, “Wow, I can’t even believe I did that-I got through that! Man that sucked-I am so glad it is over!”

Then just when I think I am clear-I begin to slide slowly down the mountain….I get hurt, I get lost from my path, I get sick.

So I am sick. My body has said, “ENOUGH”! I need to take care of me and stop taking care of everyone else for now. Instead of fighting for my Dad and my children, I need to not necessarily fight for me but ALLOW for me to be healthy and well and at peace.

So when the next challenge arises I will be ready;)

As for the dream, it was about my Dad.I was once again fighting for him against my brother. Maybe once everything with the Estate bullshit is over and I sell that Lobster Boat my dreams will return to peace and harmony and bliss. I sure hope so.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

3 more days, 3 more days until we get our new baby!! One of these little girls will be ours! I can't wait! I LOVE animals! I LOVE puppies to no end! And I will LOVE my puppy even more than that! She will be a girl and I am not sure what her name will be. I think we will wait until we meet her and get to know her before we officially name her. I know whatever we decide upon I want it to mean something to me-that is why I am leaning towards Grace or Karma. I like Izzie because John came up with it and that was when I knew he would be on board with a new dog. But I am not sure it speaks to me the way I need it to. So I will keep you posted.
I can't wait to bring her to meet my Dad because truth be told, he is the reason I am getting a new dog. My Dad put down one of their dogs when Faith, his wife died a year and a half ago. And then in Dec, 2 weeks after he was diagnosed with cancer Maggie, his chocolate lab was dignosed with cancer. We did what we could to keep her comfortable but it progressed so fast that on Dec 29th he had to put her down too-the last thing he shared with Faith. It was a sad day for him.

So this puppy is for him in a way. The renewal of life, and how it keeps moving. I hope this dog can in a sense be therapy for him as well. She will be accompanying me on my weekly visits and my hope is she gets him living again-right now he seems to just sit in his chair-waiting to die. So naming her-this little pup-is very important to me. It isn't just about a cute little puppy name-it is about creating memories with my Dad that I will remember long after he is gone-so that is why I need it to mean something and be very special:)

Friday, January 30, 2009

A picture of Courage...

This is Amy, my Best Friend from childhood. We have shared training bras to first periods to attempted suicides, to mental illness, to babies and marriage and infidelities.. and now breast cancer.

She is such an integral part of my life and I am so proud of her and her courage!

She has decided to forego the hats and wigs and is going for the bold statement of "Bald". She is the most beautiful bald woman I have ever seen don't you think?