Sadly, I was going to write in my blog on Friday, and was too busy. Then again on Sat, Halloween-of course too busy. Then yesterday-HA! Yesterday I was sick again! (I had been sick since Tues but felt better by Sat) Well, the Gods had something else in mind for me yesterday-totally utterly exhaustion and aches and pains and bodily “brokenness”. I just wasn’t me-I wasn’t good-not at all.
I slept last night in a haze of Nquil for 9 1/2 hours. My dreams were lucid and at times frightening-the culmination of a years worth of stress and loss and anger all rolled up into one night-one clear vivid dream…which has left me feeling a bit empty and sad this morning. We will get back to that.
If you have been a follower of my blog you will know that my Father who I had known for 21 years was diagnosed with Stage IV non small cell lung cancer on December 12th, 2008. At this time my best friend Amy was undergoing chemotherapy for her breast cancer, and I got a puppy May 1st.
What you may not know is my Dad lost is fight to cancer on May 29th, 2009 and my friend Amy’s husband died suddenly June 29th of a heart attack leaving behind a wife and 17 year old daughter. My cute little puppy has grown into a BIG pain in the butt! (But she is a doll and I love her dearly and she has brought much laughter and joy into our family during a really tough and not so fun time!)
Let me first talk about losing someone you love under normal circumstances; I know about this too-my Mother died in 99 suddenly (so not so normal but that is my life I guess) When someone dies it sucks-let’s face it! At first you can’t believe it, and wake up thinking it was a bad dream until you do that enough times and realize again and again it isn’t a dream-it is real and this is your new reality. You miss them-you want them back-you bargain with God-it doesn’t work. So you accept what has happened and try to move on from there. and hopefully with time things get easier and you miss them less and less and hopefully come to a realization that they are never really far-only a thought away…
So what happens when you lose someone under “not so normal circumstances”? (though that is a relative term I know)
If you remember in my blog the entry about learning of my Fathers cancer I was desperate to protect him because at the time his brain was filled with tumors and his personality had changed dramatically to three word sentences. Well, I could not have been more right about wanting to protect him-unfortunately, my worst fears came true. Instinct is a very powerful tool and has served me well and I have learned through this experience to trust it even more.
My Father was living in his home with my half brother J and his ex wife R. (yes I said ex wife) They were there to keep an eye on him for the duration of the time he had left.
My father decided to NOT to chemo because he wanted “Quality” instead of “Quantity” of life. I think it was the best choice for him too. Upon taking some heavy steroids he was able to get back his brain function and most importantly his personality! He lives 45 min away so every week would go down to see him and we would go to doctors appointments and always lunch! I think probably those 5 1/2 months were the best my Father and I ever had! Getting cancer at 65 sucked for sure knowing the eventually result-but it was also a gift for he and I because we realized-I realized time was running out and we better share as much time as possible now. He had already been absent for 17 of my 38 years!
I had my reservations about him being in the care of R and J. So different from me. The whole coastal Maine life style was so unlike my “small city” upbringing but it was the best we could do and where my Dad wanted to be. For the most part it went ok. I think R did what she could to fix his food although she was a lousy a cook my Father said.
My brother and I have never been close and I really have never considered him my brother (even less now). Quite frankly, he is a loser and a blood sucker and my father has bailed his ass out of trouble more times than I care to even knew! And his ex-wife?Haaa-let’s just say she has had her share of trouble with the law- forgery and drugs to name a few. Can you say Oxycotin addict? anyway, so my fears were real but I tried to be “okay” with them and hoped for the best.
I was The Power of Attorney for my Dad-getting that in place quickly while my brother was gone for 10 days off shore fishing. Thank Goodness for that! But my Dad was doing well and getting things organized and in order-paying his own bills etc. So I let him-it was tough-that was the only thing he had left to do for himself really and who was I to take it away? Well, I wish I would have!
My Dad was doing pretty good. In April I felt like he was getting a little cloudy again and he started with the 3 word sentences. The tumors were definitely getting bigger. He tried to play poker with his buddies one last time and it was awful-he couldn’t see the cards and didn’t know what he was doing half the time. but they let him win:)
In the start of May he started having trouble with his legs-sitting too much and all the various meds he was on. I definitely couldn’t deny he was failing.
On May 17th or so I looked online and saw a check written out of his account for $500.00. I asked him about it-he had no clue what I was talking about. He had NOT written the check. The next day I went to his house and commandeered the check book and began my research and calling the bank.
My fears came true- R had written over $4000.00 out of his account and signed her name. I had numerous copies of the forged checks.
As thieves and forgers' go she is probably one of the best. Within minutes of my questioning her she was knelt down in front of my rather confused father saying things like: “Remember Dad, remember you said I could borrow that money?” Oh i could go on and on on how this story went-the lies so thick and twisted but quite honestly it is making me sick speaking of it because ultimately what it came down to was letting her and my brother get away with it so we could have peace in the family for his sake.
12 days later he died. I know in my heart of hearts that if that wouldn’t have happened he would have had more time. But it did happen-and he didn’t.
Between his death and the 29th of June a lot went down. My brother was thought to be the Executor of the Will (he would then be in charge and with power of what little money my father had) Thank God he wasn’t and I was! One small victory. Once my fathers mind got clear he changed all that in his will. As well as giving me a boat instead of J who was getting his house.)
My brother who was not happy about how this all went down proceeded to steal everything off of my fathers-now my boat. With the help of lawyers we managed to get most of it back.
Now through all of this-I maintained strength and integrity and a positive attitude. Only one time did I lose my cool with the slimy little R and told her what I really thought of her. (that felt good-but I quickly went back to playing the Game of Survivor where you out wit, and out play all for the sake of one man and one woman who used to be his protector from J. Sadly his wife died 18 months before from a massive stroke.
I’m not making this shit up I swear! Even the writers of Desperate Housewives couldn’t come up with this!
Amy- lives 3000 miles away from me-just finished her radiation therapy, just starting to feel good-husband of 17 years dies of a heart attack in their home. You want to talk about feeling helpless back here in Maine and feeling like my heart couldn’t break anymore! I wanted to go there to be with her but I had so much going on here with the lawyers and the stupid boat and my own family I just couldn’t. I still feel guilty for that-she is one strong woman and has friends out there to support her. Happily next year she will be moving back to Maine after 13 years of being away. I couldn't be more proud of Amy on her journey. She is a true example of strength and fearlessness.
I use to write through my crisis. Lord knows I have had many in my life with my alcoholic/bi-polar mother. But as I have gotten older and become a wife and mother-I just don’t have the time and quite frankly, when I was dealing with “it all” with my Dad-I think it would have made it too real. I think a part of me was just on auto pilot and getting though it week by week.
I have a very positive outlook on life and I am grateful for all that is put in my path-the hard times the sad times-the times you think you might break and you don't’.
For me it is usually after the crisis has gone by that I “break”. I get through it-I command some greater power from within and I rally and I make it-I climb the mountain and sit on top and say, “Wow, I can’t even believe I did that-I got through that! Man that sucked-I am so glad it is over!”
Then just when I think I am clear-I begin to slide slowly down the mountain….I get hurt, I get lost from my path, I get sick.
So I am sick. My body has said, “ENOUGH”! I need to take care of me and stop taking care of everyone else for now. Instead of fighting for my Dad and my children, I need to not necessarily fight for me but ALLOW for me to be healthy and well and at peace.
So when the next challenge arises I will be ready;)
As for the dream, it was about my Dad.I was once again fighting for him against my brother. Maybe once everything with the Estate bullshit is over and I sell that Lobster Boat my dreams will return to peace and harmony and bliss. I sure hope so.
