Whirlwind of a Day....

A day I will not forget but wish I might~

Let me say right from the start that “this” me writing here on this blog initially was to promote my jewelry on Etsy. Now however, this is my therapy. I don’t care if it is read or responded to-I just need to get it out. This is my survival. I have always come back to writing for my survival during hard times.

What I share here is from the depths of my soul-it is my truth-and I don’t mind sharing it because if in doing so it touches another soul, or helps another person, then I am at peace. I am content and feel good about what I am having to go through.

Today was the first radiation appointment for my Dad. Diagnosed with lung cancer on Friday-squeezed in to the Radiation place on Mon-this is some serious shit we are dealing with. The plan of attack: 10 straight days of radiation excluding weekends and holidays. Keep taking the heavy duty Steroid for the metacisiced tumors (plural) in his brain. Then chemo for his lung cancer that is indeed in the lymph nodes in the lungs.

Now I am very much a realist. I have had to deal with loss and death in my life too early with my Mom-suddenly. This prognosis with my Dad is not good. But I can deal with that. You know, it is what it is-what can we do now? Get mad and angry for what “Is”? Or do we get over or own EGO and think about what the next few months, years will hold for my father? I chose the latter.

That is where I come from. That is where I am at. That is what my instincts tell me. Does it suck? Yes! Do I need this in my life right now? No! Will I be there for my Dad? The Dad who wasn’t there for 17 years of my life? 17 years I didn’t ask for? I had no control of? HELL YES! I will be there as much as I possibly can!

Do you know why? Because he is a good man-And people make mistakes but then sometimes they have a chance to make it right and my Father has made it right. He deserves my Forgiveness for not being around for the forst part of my life~which he has-and now it is time to take care of business.
The business I refer to is the remainder of his life. He deserves peace and harmony and unconditional love. He deserves quality care and the best nurses and doctors. He deserves to have someone looking out for his best interest; his wishes, what he would want.
I am going to make it my mission that he gets this. Unfortunately I am feeling like I am battling other people in his life, a brother whom I barely know and an ex sister in-law. I can’t even believe that this is even an issue. Yet I have always had a sneaking suspicion it might come to this.
I state this now, on my Mothers grave, I want what would be my Fathers wishes before his diagnosis. Before is mind got foggy. Who would he want to take care of him? Who would he want to handle his finances and things? This is all I want for him.
I had a brief moment of Hope tonight that He was coming back a bit. I called him and when we said Goodbye he said “Catch Ya Later” which he has not said in any of our conversations in the last week or so. He also initiated an “I love you”. Which he hasn’t really done.
If I could have 10 minutes of CLARITY from him to ask him these hard questions that would be amazing! I want whatever he would want!!! His care in best interest is my MAIN concern! And I question if these other people have his best interest at heart. Which sucks really-so petty and disgusting.

I guess another lesson to learn right?

I will go to bed tonight, praying for the wisdom and peace of mind to make the right decisions on how to handle all of this bullshit I am dealing with. If you are reading this-please send your positive energy my way. I believe whole heartedly that it will help.

Another tough day tomorrow for this kid-root canal in the am! Then calling lawyers and social workers and checking in with my Dad and his nurses and oh ya, and it is Christmas and I haven’t finished all that!!!!

Final thoughts for the night:

“Attitude is everything, so you might as well pick a good one!”

Peace~Love~

Stacy