A Day Of Emotion

I write tonight with only one thing in mind~ I need a place to get this all out~ forgive me for my lack when it comes to "good writing" this probably won't be it. Funny how "real" life tends to bring us into the depths of emotion-real hard, not pretty emotion. Ya so that is where I am at today.
I was 17 when I met my father. I grew up with a devoted, loving Mother who had a bit of a problem with alcohol and who was later diagnosed with Bi polar disorder. My childhood wasn't picture perfect. But as an adult I have come to appreciate the hard times and lessons I learned. People, parents, do what they know how to do, and when they know better, they do better.
So I "found" my Dad by going through my Mothers papers during one of her stays at AMHI. He was contacted through The State and given the opportuntity to let me into his life. He could have said No, but he didn't. He and I met and his wife (my stepmother Faith)We went to Jade Fountain here in Auburn. A cheesy chinese restaurant. I barely remember the night now-because I was on such a high! Long story short, from that day on he has been in my life. It hasn't been perfect but what in life is? But he has been PRESENT when he could have chosen not to be. His wife was a huge part of that I am certain, she was the one to remember my birthday and christmas I knowthis for sure! Sadly, a year ago this past September she died at age 64 from a massive stroke. That being said my Dad has been on his own. But he has perservered and made new friends and gotten on with his life! It was a sad story turned into real life and moving on...

I talked to my Dad on the 26th of Nov, the day after my birthday, that he forgot. Not a problem! I am totally ok with that! Remebmer he had a wife to remember those little things? Oh ya you should probably know he lives an hour away from me! He seemed weird during that conversation. He was distant and vague, disconncected...I thought he was depressed.
So I called him on it and he said NO I am not depressed! ok i say. But with in a couple of days I called again and left a message and got no return call again and again. So I contacted someone down there where he lives who assured me he was fine. Finally on Sun night I reached him and gave him Hell for not getting back to me! Like I am talking bawling him out! saying things about the loss of my Mom and not needing that to happen again!!!

Fast forward 5 days later-TODAY. I am shopping and I get a call from John that someone is trying to reach me, my brother's girlfriend-left a number and I need to call her. I do.

Now I hate, really hate these kind of calls when you know it is going to be something bad. I will never forget "THE CALL" regarding my Mother when she passed away. You never do-it sucks-and I knew that this such call would suck-sitting in the shoe department at TJ Maxx my half brother informed me that my Father is in the hospital and has lung and brain cancer. This ofcourse is an unofficial diagnosis but pretty much going to be the Truth.

SLAM! BANG!First thoughts? I fucking knew it! I knew something wasn't right! I had a feeling, like with Amy-I knew it(Amy,my best friend who now currently going through breast cancer. I had a weird feeling about that too) Second thought? I can't believe I am 38 yrs old and have to lose another parent. A parent I have only knows for 21 years. Then.....I got my EGO out of the way and realized I have to go there~I must go see him.

So I do. What a revelation. I can't really even begin t0 describe my afternoon. It is so fresh and on the surface-I am still digesting all of this. But I will say this-my relationship with my Father hasn't been easy, so much time inbetween us getting to know each other....but today I felt the strongest love for him that I have EVER felt!!! Like I was charged with some sort of energy that will get us through this battle that we are going to have to face~but we will do it together~

Now I know Life isn't permanent-regardless of any diagnosis. But my Dad's change in behavior (due to the "cancer" in his brain) has made this all so very interesting. No, not interesting, sucky to say the least, he is lost, going, not himself, he can't carry a converstion without forgetting what he is talking about,it is scary, and sad. I am scared. But as much as I am scared I am a Warrior and I will be there for him-I can't imagine not being!

This is what life is all about. Do you stand or do you run in the face of hardship, a challenge, a diagnosis?

I used to run~now I shall stand~ I will stand tall and face this~ and I will be a better person for it~ gauranteed.

peace~love~gratitude

Stacy